Thunder Cat

Thunder Cat

New Years Eve..
This Year I have seen much, done much and accomplished much..
God has been real to me, intermittently, but real all the same..
I started my masters, lived in thunder bay, went skiing, almost frooze to death ;-), went to the Bahamas, Beijing, Shanghai, New York and Hong Kong, fell more deeply in love and got my heart broken.. Got baptized and rediscovered my Abba... changed my career choice, and then changed it again... God has been there through it all, he is always there. The year is almost over and i couldnt tell you a thing about the next. I have no idea what my goals are except i'd like to graduate and finally live a life.. in the coming year i'd like to finally have a home, a place that i can call my own. I'd lke to get to know me better, get to know God better. If i am blessed with someone who loves me, i wil l welcome it but i wont actively seek it, its not me and i wont allow for a seemingly negative experience to change me. I want to be more present, to stop focussing so hard on what i am working towards and be present in my present. This year i grew up, in more ways than i ever imagined. I grew up. It hurt sometimes but i am determined to take only the good memories and treasure them. I wont leave my lessons behind, they were hard earned and I refuse to come back to learn them..
So its 6pm New Years Eve 2005 and i am filled with trepidation, anxiety, excitment and a deep sense of longing.. I dont know much about 2mrw, but i know that i want to live it, i want to wear it like a pair of fun sexy sophisticated red heels, i want it to feel good, i want it to be me..
This is my prayer.

lately..

i have been waking up with a huge lump in my throat
its as if i must cry the previous day away before my spirit is strong enough to deal with today
sleep isnt quite enough, it isnt strong enough to remove te memory and pain of yesterdays
of days gone by, dreams shattered, hopes lost, securitys removed
no only tears will do
sometimes they stream down my face in my sleep
i wake up to a wet pillow and tear stained checks
cry myself to sleep, through sleep and out of sleep
it hurts
i feel empty
void of nothing else but thought of me and thoughts of him
beautiful thoughts, memories that used to make me smile
now they make me cry
thoughts that used to make my heart skip, now they make it break
the strugle continues they say
this too shall pass
but each day i wake up with a lump bigger than the last
i cry harder than i did before
i want desparately to cleave back to what i once was part of
but God wont let me
He who konws whats best for me has decreed an end to a season
has decreed a purpose served
so cry i must
cry i will
and when my eyes are washed clean
when my heart has mourned its yesterday today
the lump goes, and i pray
pray for strenght to make it through the day
moment by moment, step by step
for eyes to see my lessons
and a willing spirit to learn
when the tears stop streaming down my face
when i finally get on my knees to pray
when i feel that i have just enough strenght for the next moment
then, i get up, put on my fragile mask
and get ready to face the day

All alone and yet not alone

Sometimes it takes being left alone for us to realize that we are never alone
this is my experience
this is my lesson
Thank you Creator
For always being present
Especcially when i am left alone ;-)