Thunder Cat

Channeling Densu ?!?

2008-09-07T04:29:00.000-07:00

I can sense my supa-powers
rekindling time-honored internal fires,
releasing barely-suppressed, spiritually-encoded desires
I am channeling... Densu.

Inspired by the healers, I make no more excuses.
with boldness and a humility that is yet to come,
I am unsure, but willing
exposed but hidden.

Nevertheless I carry on
finding courage cocooned in my knowledge
This decision was made b4 I stood.
If truth was one to be told
I re-member the story be-spoken from old
I am chaneling.. Densu.

retreating into the sound-box of my mind
I am led by the melodic timbre of his voice.
Ahhh! I clap my hands with unbridled delight
Light of foot and quickened by earnest
I joyfully journey into my eastern forest.
I am channeling.. Densu.

A captive pigeon, I am now captivated!
released by the shot of a wise inspirer,
freed by the choice of a healer-admirer
Yes!!! Once again I hear the melodic timbre of his voice.
A divine design I know this to be unfolding.
I am channeling.. Densu.

Embracing my journey as it unfolds
I finally conclusively shun my manipulators hold
An elusive understanding of self is manifesting..
Open minds, Open hearts,
a soul bared, a spirit shared
I am channeling... Densu.

With effortless grace I unfurl my wings.
Seeking unparalleled heights I begin to Soar
knowing and growing
A change has come
This beautiful one yet to be, is finally born
I am channeling... Densu.

If I had time..

2008-07-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

I would talk about all the things taking up my time ;-) But since I don't, I will only say this: One day soon, when the time comes, I will be back here to take my time and chronicle my journey. Till them, Aluta Contynua!
A.

Steppin out 2 Step in, Stepping in 2 step out

2006-12-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

I had to step out to step in
I had to loose breath, in order to breathe
My path is circular
or so it seems
One step in, two steps out
..and then back again

The differences are subtle in this two step dance I do
Step in and out, out and in
Oft times it seems I never move forward
Story in constant replay
But each time I re-see, re-say and re-be, I re-illuminate and re-discover

This is my circle
My Journey
Bursting with Vision
Sinking in none
Craving Action
Inspired to static motion

Thoughts random
Inertia ruling my days
Movements stealing my nights
Internal morphing
External faking

I had to step out to step back in
I had to put my pen down to write
To shut my mind up to think
To loathe so I could love
I am still on the continuum
Emotions still undetermined
Everything so elusive
Constantly feeling like I have been here b4
5 paces 4wd 10 skips backwards

Back here
Way back here
The view is different
Life altering experiences
Mind and Spirit existing in changed states
Unfamiliar territory.. to my flesh
But the spirit demands..
that i step out to step back in

Guide me thou Great Jehovah
I weak, You mighty
I blind, You seeing
I empty, You filling
Fill my Cup Lord
I life it up Lord
Stepping in so I can step out..

Engaged! Shit!

2006-11-26T16:08:00.000-08:00

Yea, I Said it, Shit! Shit! Shit!
For every reason under the sun and then some!
Once again, the million dollar question "How did i get here?"
I gotta think some, I'll be back!
Ohhhh shitttt! ( the good, the really good, the scary, the uncertain, the bad, the really bad, the scary, the ugly) ohhh shit!
It's a good very good thing I love him, lol!
I'll be back ( aka Arnold )

Seeking.. Thinking..illuminating Oct 14th

2006-10-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

I am seeking.
Seeking so desperately the eternal.
These days I am so conscious of my apetite for that which lasts 4ever.. which only serves to higlight my consciousness of my willingness to i say settle for the temporal..

Its easy to get caught up in the physical , in the peripheral, in the temporal. .. and I become distinictly aware of my apetite for these things as i seek the spiritual, the central and the eternal..

My strength is made perfect in your weakness, or so the good book says.. I must be honest and admit, I'd rather have no weakness i can beat myself over. Cos i am all black and blue. my brusises and broken bones i CANNOT count.

I have been fasting.. I figured Ramaddan was as good a time as any to get down to the nitty gritty on this lifelong journey I got going with the great I AM.

In fasting I have "abstained" from some of the things that satisfy my seemingly DNA inscribed pursuit of pleasure..

Its been gratifying, frustrating, mystifying, annoying, frustrating, did i say frustrating?? oh yea and also incredibly illuminating..

For one thing, I see clearly how temporal in their fulfilment the things I take great delight in, are. At the same time I am whacked on the head by how deeply i crave them still..

Talk about the great paradox of how you get people who know better to act out their knowledge.. "BC" as they say in public health i.e. behavior change. Now thats something they are still holding out the nobel peace prize 4!

And this ranges from my great delite in good yummy food to my need to "change the world"...& everything "sinful" and noble that exist inbetween.

I told myself i was seeking clarity. I told my God that I was seeking clarity. direction. seeking the I AM. seeking to know more. to have dimensions previously unknown illuminated in bright lights. I know this dont happen over a 30 day period of fasting on the regular. but a start would be nice.

Well, lets just say i got more questions than answers. Maybe this is the middle point where you get real frustrated and ready to throw in the towel. You know that point the Sages of old and new constantly speak to.. Maybe all i need is to get past this patch of great confusion to start to finally grasp something, anything... a straw!

I am such a head person, but i am coming to see that this is something i will probably never get my head around.
This- as in-
Why i am so incredibly easily satisfied with mudpies when a feast awaits.
Why I often times lose my way, in so many things and so many ways.. yea, i know its getting real cryptic. but this is my blog dangit grrr...
Why I cant seem to completely trust in the capacity and the truth of my creator.
Why I have become so adept at burying my doubts, 'less they bury me.
Why sometimes I figure there isnt much else left to experience on this side eternity as none will completely satisfy. Cos truth be told, i am coming to believe that that which is meant to fill the gaping seemingly abyss-like place in my inside, is not on this side...

Then why do i continue to seek? In hope I guess. In faith. In the knowledge and believe that at the very least those who ever find as those who set out on the path to seek..

I have said it time and time again.. It is a journey yall, and right now it feels like a mothaf-ing oh so frustrating journey...

None the less.. BE MAGNIFIED OH LORD MY GOD..

Inspired by Hafiz.. March 15th 2006

2006-08-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

Love is ...
Tis an ideal and I believe possible..
To love without expectation
To love for the essence
To love day in and day out and to let it light up the sky
Tis possible

Love is.. Thoughts.. March 29th 2006

2006-08-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Love is the glue that will bind us all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:14

How so like The Abba Father to say something like that..
Do you know that His heart is an abyss of Love?

Without Love, it would be impossible to be united.
As a church, as a group seeking the Father's heart, and as individuals.

It's been easier for me to learn ( yes learn) how to love The Abba daddy, My neighbour and Myself with an eternity focussed mind and heart.

Just meditate on this for a second..
All that really matters in this lifetime is that which is eternal in its nature.

Love is Eternal.

The things that we allow to create dishormony in our bodies, our relationships with each other, and in the church have limited eternal value.

And thus in my opinion not worthy of our minds and our hearts.

Love, Love, Love..

It is the glue that will bind all things together in perfect unity.
Just as the Father, the Son and the Spirit are united in Love for all eternity

So we ought to strive to be also.

THE FATHER LOVES US. KNOW THIS. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND THIS. TO BE CONSCIOUS OF THIS. ALWAYS.

I am treasured and precious in the sight of the Divine Authority.

So are you.

Let us all be united in Love which covers all things, looking forward to an eternity that is perfect and ordained by HIM who was and is and is to come.

Amen

...Excerpt from an Online Discussion I was taking part in..

2006-08-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

April 7th 2006

never really thought about it before to be honest. i accepted what i was spoon fed and parrotted it quite well. .. We are all sinners,through Adam and through our own acts ( or omission of acts). This is why Christ died, so you best repent and be forgiven. You will get to go heaven and escape the fire and brimstone, the weeping and gnashing of teeth, that is Hell.

my bullseye? the Holiness of God. the heart of God. GodLove. This is His Glory.

falling short of the above is in my eyes sin. none bigger than the other.. whenever we fail to live up to His essence, to glorify the God is, in and around us, we "miss the mark"..you break the Father's heart to the same magnitude by killing or by being gossiping.

God is Love, this is my divinely inspired knowledge. I mean really, this IS the essence of the I AM. GodLove. Anything done in Love is done to His praise and Glory. An adultration of Love is unHoly.

Funnily enough, i have always felt ungodly whenever i am the least bit unloving. the least bit...

I have sat with this some more.. If we were made in His image ( complete with Free will) then our very nature should compel us to be Love and Holy like the Father. This then was the essence of Man before his fall. Allowing for him to commune directly with the Abba in the "cool of the evening". Were he not of GodLove he wont have been able to exist in I AM's prescence. remember this is why we need the sacrifice of the Lamb of God. So that we can stand in His righteousness and be Holy and acceptable to the Father, Praise Him, that was and is and is to come ;-)

In time however (Wo)Man had to make a choice ( free will) and in this He chose to act contrary to His nature, birthing the seed of ManLove within humanity. Note how as soon as he partook of this nature ( disobeyed Abba) it become easier for Him to act contrary to the GodLove nature.. from "apple" to lies, to calling I AM unLove ( it was the woman you gave me...).. its like you never think that you could really kill someone until you do, then it becomes easier each time.. almost like you plant the seed by your first action and evil that seeks always to propagate itself, waters it and it grows and blooms into a massive tree..

I AM must have forseen this betrayal and even though GodLove had the ability to cocoon his companion man, He would not have being able to partake of the rapturous, delightful knowledge that comes with knowing that you are loved by your beloved of his own volition.

Hmm.. its strange how in sitting with this, i see the Divine simplicity in this mystery. I ever tell you how awesome it is to be blessed to see some through the heart eyes of God??? And its funny cos I (we) can relate to the great I AM on this. I've been there. You know, had the lover with whom my spirit refused to rest in the "knowledge" of His love, because it wasnt convinced that if presented with a choice (except the choice of me and Abba) that i would be his chosen...... in time i came to realize that this wasnt the kind of Love i sought and that indeed the Father desired more for me. He caused for my connection to this Love to be severed and began to teach me what Love truly looks like... Thank God he saved me because unlike the Infinite Divine, i doubt very much that i could have stayed and continued to knock on my beloved's heart door without it corrupting my Love and my spirit...

And in this i am knowing that we are indeed created in His image. For as the Chirst said this is how I AM knows he is our beloved. If you love me you will keep my commandments -John 14:15. Not out of a sense of obligation cos you claim to be a follower of the Way, but because the litmus test for Love is such: when presented with a choice between your beloved and another, True Love, seeds of Godlove will compel you chose Love.

So my prayer is this; That Abba daddy reworks my heart. my ability to Love. not as man does but as God does. For His nature to increase and mine to decrease. To love both daddy dearest and My not so dear neighbour, lol. I crave a lifelong God lesson on love. several on a daily basis. This is the most precious thing. In the now and most importantly for eternity. I desperately want my spirit to be compelled out of Love to always seek Love's way. This is true Holiness. And in this I will be enabled to obey alwas my darling Divine Counsellor, Healer, Lord and Friend and He will have true knowledge that He is my beloved.

Prophetic Musings..

2006-07-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

Still Waiting - Oct 27th 2004

This is my hundredth storm

Or so it seems..

Where is the calmness that s'pposed to pass?

I am still waiting for my still waters..

Still waiting to breathe

Still waiting to laugh

Still waiting to clear my head

Still waiting to know that its not all dead

Where is the calmness that’s sopposed to pass?

I am still waiting for my still waters..

Still waiting

Still waiting to be still

Be still

Still

Still

I came on board full of dreams

With hopes of seeing things

Wanting to explore, to conquer, to learn,

to understand..

But I keep getting tossed up on these waves

And even though I know my lessons are herein

I am still waiting for the still waters

To take it all in

But I gotta keep on moving,

Get up brush up and keep on moving

I got to keep keeping on

Keeping hoping on

Keep moving on

I know that my still waters will come

It might be after my hundredth n one storm

But my stillness, it will come

So I will wait and In the meantime

Be still…

Matter of fact I will be still in my storms

And my stillness, His stillness,

will my waters calm.

Then I will have my stillness

Not after my storms..But right in the midst of them

I will have still waters

Still.

In the midst of my storms.

I am from the ocean side

2006-06-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

Nje nshoona (I come from the ocean side)
Nnyemi ke nyekwe, wo fee wo je nshoona (My family both nuclear and extended, we all come from the ocean side)
Bie ji wo shia ( This is our home)
No word of a lie, this is where my dust was drawn
Right here, By the ocean side
All I have to do is to sit by the ocean side.
History aside.
Connection inside.
In this spot right here, its second nature, though i contemplate,
to bear no question as to my place
Instead, I just assimilate
here I know and I am known by my his-story

But first lets take mans-story
Since times inception
before mans conception
My home, the waters,
where my dust was drawn from
has, been.

A strange relationship no doubt, between the created and the curator
Different languages
But both very much communicators
Now give me a babel fish and let me finally hear
hear the words of the oceans deep
What story pray tell, are you telling?
Crash, roar, splash, silence!
Now I hear, I am enraptured as you tell of creatures unimaginable,
Crash, roar, splash, silence!
I hear a song of praise to a God unfathomable,
Crash, Crash, silence!
I am educated of times unlinear, yet of beginning and of end
and
and..
Silence!
And therein the knowledge that this is where my dust is from
Where my strength is drawn
By me and those before me
Nkee nje nshoona
I said I am from the ocean side
Connection aside,
Now my history inside.

Bet you didn't know that I am a part of a fisher folk
Fearless Ga people sustained by the bounty of waters deep
Traversing the ocean with an ease that bespeaks of timeless meets
Long before the crack of dawn
With wide nets and high hopes
With silent prayer and inner song
It is here that we connect with the three
Beneath us, the ocean, on whose horizon the sun overcomes
Over us, the sun, as she journeys outside of time
Around us, time, cocooning our existence
In our vessels we hail all three
Mentally pouring a little libation
In honor of the water, In Memory of yesterday
In honor of the sun, In Memory of tomorrow
In honor of time, In memory of none
Witness to all, Yet witness to none
As we chart familiar ocean highways with no names
History trodden boulevards with no landmarks
This is the daily pilgrimage of my people the Ga, the fisher folk

History inside,
Connection outside
And now both
side by side

I Ahmeda, daughter of Gbese, born on Tuesday
Through birthright, AND through spirit
Unrestricted by time or space
I claim my place
Nkee nje nshoona (I said i come from the ocean side)
N Nyemi ke nyekwe, woo fee wo je nshoona (My family both nuclear and extended, we all come from the ocean side)
Bie ji wo shia ( This is our home)

Ink to Page, Letters to Screen; Finding My Voice Within

2006-06-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

I am now UTTERLY convinced that there are yet many more ways to express and manifest our thoughts and emotions than we have the obvious capacity for. It has been almost two months now since I asked the creator, with the innocence of a child, to show me my place in This mess. Yes, This mess. This is my new term to describe the world i see. Who else do i ask, if not Him who created this beautifully, fantastically, screwed up place, we call Earth, inhabited by the exceedingly more fantastically screwed up species, collectively known as humanity, about my place.

Its been two months since the moon covered the sun, two months since I was moved to ask to be shown my place. This time-span, 63 days in total, has been a life-altering journey fraught with questions, laughter, blood curdling anger, joy, answers, and deep soul stirring emotions that still seek a novel outlet of expression.

At times, I have felt that at any given moment, my blood was literally going to start gushing right through my skin pores, as it tried in vain to seek an exit. To find a means with which it could finally express its intense, unstoppable nature. A conduit to freedom from the constriction imposed by tiny vessels and a heart which pumps seemingly without thought or consequence.

I haven’t dared to write. In all honesty I have been afraid of the language that would spew forth. Today I know that had I written in those 63 days, I would have written in "tongues". My spirit would finally have done the unthinkable, raised up from its deep inner shelter and permeated my flesh so as to be released through my finger -tips. It would have broken earth and spirit world rules and manifested itself in physical form. At least so I have thought on more than one occasion.

So instead I have been writing on the pages of my heart. That soft, mushy place, that still has a child-like conviction, an unwavering, unquestioning belief in the good of every living thing. Yes, even "evil-incarnate" at one point was good and if he really wanted to, he could be good again, right, Daddy God? It is in this place I laid, as a true living sacrifice, my anger and the many other untamable emotions I have felt taking over me. Day by day, minute by minute, second by second, I have found myself using the revolving doors, that lead in and out of my heart space, with a regularity that bespoke of the intensity of my experience. In this my holy of holies, this place where even my sins, my failures, and my screw ups, can not defile, I have come daily and sometime more, as a child, to seek refuge, joy and laughter. Here I am comforted and assured that there is beauty in the fantastically crazy mess that I see. It is here that I am told to go to my beginnings, to sit by the ocean and remember and in this to be remembered. By time, sun, ocean and all that exists in between.

No doubt about it, as i sit and reflect, I have spent the last few months in my heart. It’s been therapy of the cheapest but most effective kind! Lol! Within this period of sunsets and sunrise which has seen me not stray far from my hearts place, I have still managed to make little steps. Steps to try to see with my Heart eyes, and hear with my Heart ears. Two steps forward nine steps backwards. And that, in my world is progress of the sublime kind.

As if to defeat the very purpose of my “journey by steps”, I keep colliding into the very pain I want away from. Not pain bore of my own flesh (that I have known since I could know) but the pain of all else. Remember Se-lah? If I were to paint a picture of the world my Heart eyes now sees, it would look something like this.

Each creature deeply cocooned by a thick, almost fuzzy, fog of Love. Aww.. How warm, right? Well, within that fog, there exists, a seemingly, impenetrable wall of pain, that serves to trap said creature within its confines. And I see this repeated on many levels; the level of one, of twos and threes, of communities, heck all the way up to the level of the human collective and beyond!

Now, at first glance, It all sees pretty futile I know, but on closer examination, you are privy to the barely perceptible elements of the fog, you know, kind of like the atoms that make up the fog. Now these filopodia-like extensions (biology-speak for slim outgrowths) are actively involved in trying to penetrate the equally microscopic holes in the cement that holds the wall together. Can you see it?? Well, if you can, now you also see, what my Heart eyes see. And its this acitve process of Love, as it seeks to penetrate the pain and rescue its beloved, that gives me cause for much hope and much Joy. Because in this picture, Love also comes not just from without but from within.

And now onto my Heart ears, well sorry to tell you but all they hear is nothing! There is so much sound that all i really hear is nothing! Instead of coherent expression, its almost as if someone put it all on mute and then promptly lost the remote. So I can tell that the voices exist by virtue of the moving lips, but the privilege of hearing distinctly is not for me to enjoy. Is this for a reason? Another question I lay at my hearts door. Voices, Voices Voices, I wish I could hear the individual voices. A cacophony of sounds now no doubt, but in time, with the right conduit, distinct clear voices will enamate. Of this I am assured.

Now with all this ongoing on the inside, I have managed to remain very much in motion on the outside. Spirit in my heart, but flesh very much present in "The Mess". Moving, working, typing, interviewing, talking, conceptualizing, networking, barely sleeping. Time as man knows it, is not in my favor, of this I have always known, and taken a strange sense of comfort in. Thus my frenzied motion to accomplish a mission conceptualized before I was given breathe might seem to some unrelentless, but to me necessary. It is from all of this, as cryptic as it may sound, that "Voices of the Voiceless International" finally came into existence.

And today the first of June 2006, 63 days later from when i looked up trustingly and asked to be shown my place in "This fantastically beautiful mess", I finally hear clear the Voice that always serves to stop me in my tracks, and sit. Sit and Be Still. Sit and in time allow for it all to leave the confines of my human be-ing and transmit it the best way that this human knows how.

Ink to Page, Letters to Screen

Take from it what you may, but this is my journey.

This is my story.

www.voicesofthevoiceless.org

--------------------
....to live in these times without striving to change them is like watching, with serenity, the oncoming truck in your path..
-George Monbiot.

Spiritual Update

2006-03-28T23:36:00.000-08:00

Thunder Cat
Lately, i have felt a restlessness in my spirit. Don't get me wrong. My spirit is fed just by being here. By being useful, by being surrounded by family, surrounded by the love, surrounded by my Father God. But still, I can not be still. I am restless inside.I haven't quite put my finger on it yet, but i sense that a lot has to do with what the Abba Father desires to do with my heart. An answer in of itself to prayers asked.

Before I came to Ghana, I was well aware of the nature of work i had chosen to do. I knew it will affect me. S-P-I-R-I-T-U-A-L-LY. I prayed for strength to endure, heart eyes to see, the capacity to love, to help heal and for protection from the forces that i know abound to thwart the work of the Good seeking to triumph over evil. I prayed and I requested that I be prayed for. I was moved to be baptized and to publicly commit myself to allowing my Creator to transform the wretched, helpless and weak human that I am to what, in His love, He sees me to be. I prayed that He will go from being my Savior to becoming My lord and My love. I knew that without Him, I would be ineffective. Yes, i would come, gather data, analyze, write up a pretty darn good thesis and probably even present at an international conference or two. But this was not my intention. I was not without a Cause and I desired to be an instrument of Grace. Without being a vessel i would be nothing more than an empty barrel.. and here we have a saying "empty barrels make the most noise".

Before i took flight from the cold Canadian winter, I was frightened. On a multitude of levels, for a multitude of reasons. I saw the desire of the Abba to radically change my life and direction. I knew instinctively that this would hurt and as he started the process, hurt it did. But in order for him to form out of nothing, something, i needed to be willing to be unnaturally spiritually malleable. I was conscious of this, but you know and then you KNOW.. know what i mean? I had to count my everything as loss, in order to gain the Christ, and it hurt. But with the Abba's help and loving presence, count i did.

And now here I am, sitting on my bed at 4 a.m., listening to the cock crowing and the sounds of the ever present waves crashing on the shores of Osu-La Beach. Today is the day of the first full solar eclipse in eons (countdown 5 hours and 16 minutes ) and its no surprise that i cant sleep as i now ponder my spiritual journey thus far.

Yesterday, i was privileged (in a different way than my last entry), to be allowed into yet another world. This time it was the world of young female sex workers who willingly shared with me the heart-wrenching stories that have come to characterize their life's journeys. I can still hear their barely audible voices in my head, as i was led through lives filled with loss, pain and suffering. In no uncertain terms i learned through first hand accounts, the "short and long-term impact of childhood sexual abuse on individual health and the health of the community". Believe me when i tell you that each one of the stories i was privileged to hear, would break the coldest human heart.

Se-lah (not her real name), a 20 year old dark quintessential African beauty of mixed Malian and Ghanaian heritage, hugged a teddy bear as she recounted to me, her repeated experiences with "forced sex" which began at the tender age of 12. Unable to look me in the eye she stared out towards the ocean as she told me of how it came to be that she now lives a waking nightmare. My heart broke and broke and broke for her heart, which i could see and hear was broken. Had been broken. Over and over and over again. I marveled at her resiliency. Here she was standing tall, still able to dream of a better live and fighting, fighting to the breath, to keep the dream alive.

Crucify me if you must, but i couldn't help but ask my Loving Abba; Why? Why is this story repeated more times and in more places, than the grains of sand on this beach which i stand? For every bear hugging Se-lah, there are millions more whose stories remain untold. Millions whose hearts remain heavy and burdened. Millions whose Voices will NEVER be heard.

Being the well-trained qualitative researcher that i am, i turned to Se-lah and asked her the question on my mind. Why Se-lah do you think this happens?? She replied " Hmmm, I think its because the men, they see us and they think we have no value".
I repeat this question to all the other girls..
Esther's (not her real name) response: " Because omu pese omu be see ye life- because they want to ruin our lives.
Elizabeth's response: " Ebia omua ti se ye wo tooknown ntia- maybe because they feel like we are too big for our britches.." and so it went.. on and on with the other girls i spoke to. The details different, but the stories and reasons given, essentially the same.

It was then that i came to this realization. There is a conspiracy. A conspiracy to keep this world shrouded in darkness. A conspiracy to break the human spirit. A conspiracy to break the heart of God. To take the children (suffer little children to come onto me) his most precious ones, and beat the godly spirit out of them...leaving them lifeless and hopeless grrrrrr...
At that moment as if to interrupt the darkness of my thoughts with some much needed light, Se-lah laughs and it is literally music to my ears. I turn and see see the twinkle in her eyes. Her hidden child takes over and in that brief instance she lights up my world!! Ahhhhhhh!!! There is yet hope. In this dark dark dark place, there is yet hope. The eyes of my heart sees this and i know that he laugh is ordained by the Abba, to encourage her spirit and show me that there is yet hope.

But oh, how his heart must break.

Imagine you believed in a God. Imagine that you ascribe to him as having created all things. Imagine we humans are created in the likeness of this God. Imagine then, how finely tuned this Supreme Being's perceptions must be.. afterall it was through him/she/it that we came to be able to perceive our world. If i can smell a pretty flower and delight in its sight and scent with my limited ability, Imagine how heightened his experience of that same flower must be? In my mind's eye, i see sensory organs bursting into song!! Exquisitely delighted by the individual molecules stimulating every available receptor causing the mind and senses to erupt in rapturous joy at the feeling inherent in the sensory knowledge of a simple flower.. Yes! indeed!

Now imagine how a Being present in this heightened state of awareness must feel at the sight and thought of darling Se-lah and her friends all over the world. Imagine the pain, the outrage, the sadness, the heart-break, at witnessing on a global scale, the repeated mutilation of the child-spirit.. Yes, it is too big for my imagination too.

It is thoughts like these that find home in my mind and heart. So now, i guess you see somewhat the reason my spirit is so restless. Abba Father, Why? It is only natural that i return to this question... I hear no voices, no great thunderous revelations but i know that for every question like this there is an answer. My Faith in his goodness and love assures me that there is a reason. A pretty darn good one too. And because I believe I leave this question at his altar and turn my mind to the bigger and more relevant question for me, Abba Father how? How precious Daddy, do you choose to use to me in this? To reflect some of your light into this darkness? Please show me how. Please.

My spirit is restless and wants to know how and with what. It yearns to be equipped with the tools, the know-how and the Godly love necessary to work with you as you heal your children, one by one. Maybe the answer to this is simple and right under my nose. Too simple for my over-analytical mind and over-intellectualized heart to see. I am here ready, willing and through you, able. And if it is true that the answer is here, right under my very nose, then this i pray; Strip me of my barnacles and my veils. Strip me, so that i then can see, listen and in your Grace and Love, Do.

Mr Caviar, Mrs Limousine

2006-03-22T14:27:00.000-08:00

Thunder Cat
Street kids
Sex workers
Children
Kayayees
Mothers
Daughters
Rape
Sister
Abuse
Friend
Hate
Deserted
Sad
Child labor
Love
Dear God
Death
Tears
Where are you?
Help!!!
Somebody please help
I need a magic wand..
The pain in this world
Our world,
mine and yours
Is too much to see
Too much to bare
How dare you
Sit in your ivory tower
Driving in your limousine car
Not care?
How dare you eat your caviar?
Be merry, be happy
When tears abound in limitless measure?
Who is crying for the lil ones
Who is crying for the street child
The sex worker, the raped, the abused, the vulnerable?
Who is pouring them a lil’ liquor?
Gosh darn it who?!
Answer me
You yes I say you
How f-ing dare you sit up in your ivory tower
And look down on us
On your future
On tomorrow?
I’m sorry, you said what?
You paid your dues.. I see..
Born with a silver spoon in your mouth
Know that you dues were much cheaper than hers
When she cried out to her mother cos she was hungry
She was paying her dues
When she called out to God cos it hurt when daddy raped her
She was paying her dues
When she walked miles and miles with lil brother on her back
To get him some medicine so he will stop coughing up blood
But he died all the same
She was paying her dues
When mummy died and she had to bury her
She was paying her dues
And now as she lays in the bed, with three men hovering over her
Licking their lips lasciviously
As she mentally departs from her body
To make enough money
For lil Johnny and Ama to eat
She is paying her dues
So go on mr caviar
Go on mrs limosine
Pay you dues
But know that this life is but a drop in eternity
And what you do here determines where you spend your eternity
Close your eyes and ignore the pain
Walk on by, right by like you don’t see the suffering or pain
Be a part of the problem and pray that the bitch that karma is
Don’t come to get you
Or you can choose
Choose to be a part of the solution
And instead of driving by,
instead of walking by,
instead of numbing your heart and pretending not to see
Stop.
Look.
Listen.
Act.

A trip into my head ;-)

2006-03-10T00:44:00.000-08:00

Thunder Cat

Wow! What am i doing here?! Even better question, how did i get here? I mean, who actually let little 'ole me in here??? No, not into Ghana, silly, despite my Ghanaian heritage i paid the 80$ visa for that. I mean into this meeting of "key community stake-holders" strategizing on how to initiate a holistic sectorial response to the challenges of child protection in Ghana. No doubt about it, I have a huge interest, one might even call it a strong passion, for the topic under discussion, child protection.... those who know me know that at every available opportunity (sometimes even the inopportune ones) i actively advocate for the rights of a child; especially his/her right to be heard.

Hmmm.... I guess thats how i slipped through the door into this air-conditioned room in the luxurious Labadi beach hotel along the aforementioned beach road. Thats how come I find myself with an invitation from the Ministry of Women and Children's Affairs (MOWAC) to take part in this laudable initiative. Well, i will just sit here quietly and listen. Truth be told I am slightly intimidated by the bigwigs sitting at this here table. So i will just sit here quietly and listen. Besides, I haven't been in Ghana for 8 long years and even though it didn't take long at all for me to get into the swing of things and to get my Ghanaian accent back in full effect, my mother tells me that one doesn't have to listen too close to hear the traces of Canada in my voice. So I, the self-appointed paladin of the voiceless will keep quiet. Yes, I will keep quite and listen.

Listen to my elders share their experiences, knowledge and wisdom. Listen as they devise detailed, extensive, sustainable strategies to deal with the MANIFOLD challenges that confront child protection efforts in Ghana. Given the cross-cutting nature of this issue, it is no wonder the diversity of the folks and sectors represented here today. On the "high table" we have of course the big money people with the big government people. UNICEF and the Deputy Minister for MOWAC. Not to be left out are the other big International Shakers in child welfare and protection; ILO, IOM, UNFPA and UNESCO. Then we have the civil society groups, the other . Governmental organizations and the highly impassioned NGO's; First there is the dedicated but severly underfunded Department of Social Welfare, The Attorney Generals Office, The Domestic Violence and Victim Support unit , Ministry of health, Ministry of Education, Police services, Birth Registrations, Immigration, National Children's Commission, NGO Coalition on the Rights of a child, The Ghana AIDS Commisssion.... many other like minded organizations ....and lil ole me!

Don't get me wrong, I am not in this room because i don't have anything to contribute and I like to sit and watch grown ups discuss children's issues. Far from it. My research interests aside, i am also spearheading a newly formed not-for-profit organization, Voices of the Voiceless, that seeks amongst other things to advocate the inclusion of the Voices of Children in discussions of this very nature. Given this, i don't know how long i can be true to my socializition and act like the "respectful" (a term used very loosely here), friendly, QUIET child that my mother tried so very very hard to raise me to be.. though truth be told i suspect she was secretly pleased when i spoke up growing up, heck sometimes she even facilitated it!.. but i digress.. I really dont know how long i can sit at this table without contributing to this discussion. Whoa, hold on a minute, Now the conversation has switched to an animated discussion on "the interests of the child".

What are the interests of the children? Heck back track even, Why are we here in the first place? What is Child Protection? What issues should be broupgh under this expansive umbrella, bearing in mind that we are here to adopt a more holistic and cohesive approach to this fragmented issue..

I clear my throat and mentally release my conscious hold on my tongue...."Ummm, Excuse me", I say in my best Ghanaian accent. "If i may be so bold as to suggest something. If I may be allowed to humbly add my two cents, I think that we stand to do ourselves, our institutions and most importantly our children a huge disservice by sitting in this room, far removed from the child we seek to protect, deciding like we experience their day-to day realities in todays world, what is really in their best interests. We barely even have any "data" to work with!!!!!. I am afraid that by virtue of the fact that there is NO Child at this table we are reinforcing the evil that we all rightly condemn, even going so far as to unconsciously( i hope) restrict them from exercising their rights enshrined in the International Convention on the Rights of a Child. Specifically Article 12 which states "Parties shall assure to the child who is capable of forming his or her own views the right to express those views freely in all matters affecting the child, the views of the child being given due weight in accordance with the age and maturity of the child" and Article 13 "The child shall have the right to freedom of expression; this right shall include freedom to seek, receive and impart information and ideas of all kinds, regardless of frontiers, either orally, in writing or in print, in the form of art, or through any other media of the child's choice". We must allow them to exercise these rights especially at this forum as their emic perspective will provide us with a more comprehensive and detailed picture of the issues they face.

If i may be even bolder to suggest further, the advantages of doing this far outweighs the disadvantages. It is no secret that Ghana was proudly the first country to ratify this convention which shows her unabashed support and concern for children. Please. Let us not work against ourselves by making policy decisions without giving them a seat at the table. Granted we are all from organizations that sincerely have "the best interests of the child" at heart and work tirelessly on a daily basis to ensure that our children are provided with the best possible nurturing environment for their development into responsible citizens. If i may humbly suggest, it is this core value we all believe in and work towards that should prompt us to consider their inclusion and indeed their right to be here and add their voices to this conversation; not by proxy but by self.. This, my elders, is my humble two cents... "

After i finish my little impassioned yet controlled and respectful "outburst" i retreat back into my head and am confronted with the question once again. What exactly am i doing here? I remember now! I am here to advocate that my seat be given to the child.

"...Prayer can be like incense, rising ever higher and higher, or it can be like a low earth-mist clinging to the ground, never once soaring. The Eye that sees all, the Ear that hears all, knows every cry. But the prayer of real faith is the prayer of joy, that sees and knows the heart of Love it rises to greet, and is sure of a glad response." - God Calling.

Thinking at 6 a.m.

2006-02-28T00:10:00.000-08:00

Thunder Cat
FEB 27TH UPDATE

some thoughts at 6 a.m

its 6 a.m, monday morning and i am sitting here at my computer sweating! i just run along the beach road, on the world map this is the ghanaian section of the west african coast along the gulf of guinea. It is a very busy road even at 5 in the am. They say here that Osu, my hood, never sleeps. Its true. But if Osu never sleeps, me thinks it is becasuse folks travelling across the country and indeed across the sub-region along said beach road, like to stop and hang out in the hood. That plus the fact that Osu just never sleeps ! ;-)

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Maybe its cos i am 6 deep into my research, but i've been thinking. About this continent, about development, socialization, HIV/AIDS, the girl-child, the boy-child, Foreign Aid, the Domestic Vioelnce bill still sitting in parliment, democracy... the whole gamut. I love it here. At the risk of sounding corny, i feel an almost visceral connection to this place. Its like a lil' girl who has got you wrapped around her lil' finger so tighlty you find yourself doing everything in your power for her to be safe, to feel loved, to be nurtured and heard, to make sure she grows into the strong,multi-dimensional dazzling woman you see ever so clearly in her twinkling, trusting, laughing eyes. I feel the same way about this place. I want to protect the land, the people, the animals( and yes we still have 'em), its reputation, its future..True to my Mandigo warrior tribe roots, I want to fight fiercely with all i have got for the independence of our continent, its growth, its maturity, its peace. I see this place in its stark, startling, breath halting beauty and I swear my hearts sings. if you were here you'd love it too... and be viscerally angered by what is clearly, the continous raping and pillaging that continues to exist despite our years old "liberation" from our colonizers. This raping of the people. Your people. My people. In the same breath, almost at the same instance, you would be proud to see the strides made in spite of this, proud to hear the voices of the so called down trodden booming out loud, singing their way through their sorrows. In my eyes, seemingly smiling cheekily at the devil, daring him to come out and play in the scorching hot African sun.

It is indeed a place of great juxtapositions. Where a man in a million dollar suit, wearing Italian made shoes can be found squatting on the streetside eating food fried in a coalpot with his fingers and smacking his lips cos it tastes so DARN good. Its a place where one finds mud huts amidst first class roads and high tech hospitals. Where church and vodoo knows no distinction; Where English, Twi, Ga and Fanti are spoken all in the same sentence like it was one language.

Yea, over here, we exist in a world unto itself. A world where people ARE surviving on less than a dollar a day and yet dying because centuries old rivers are bearing the hallmark of new world development. Choked with refuse, sewage and depleted of its life giving force, old man river is killing instead of feeding. A world where the difference between life and death for some is the bite of a tiny female anopheles mosquito. And yet in this very same world are endless possibilites unmatched even by those in the great U S of A, the famed land of opportunity. In Africa we boast of natural resources beyond the wild west's wildest dreams. Human capital that rivals that of china and Determination, sheer naked, get the f**k out of my way determination, that literally leaks out of the pores of the masses.

I have heard it said before that we are a pessimistic people. I beg to differ. Over here survival is by sheer force of will. The rich man in his mansion got there by as much force of will as the kenkey seller at labone junction. Circumstances alone separate them. So here, to honor of the god within us all, we call each other boss. The driver calls his employee boss, the millionaire calls the cigarette seller boss. We see that in each other. Applaud it in each other. encourage it in each other.

Like i said i have been thinking. and talking. to a lot of people. After all that is really why i am here, to talk to people. In research its called data analysis. I like to call it engaging the masses, specifically on the topic of childhood sexual abuse. It pains me to see that despite the invisible cords that causes us to fight and die for each other we have also perfected the art of hurting one another. It pains me to realize that our highly prized culture and our socialization processes puts the most vulnerable in our society at risk.. for anything and everything. In this case at risk for sexual abuse. Sadly, the naked truth is this : The socialization of children reinforces gender and power inequalities inherent in our society. Cultural norms of child acquiescence to adult instruction inform this socialization process. The much lauded "it takes a village to raise a child" adage and its coresponding reality leaves our children vulnerable. This is further compounded by the taboo that says we dont talk about sex with our children (i say we dont have sex with our children).. Result? The child esp. the girl-child is rendered vulnerable to sexual abuse....

Something else been bugging me... Ghana doesnt have a high incidence of HIV/AIDS. A VERY GOOD THING. It is less than 7 % and laudable strides are being made to educate the masses to reduce the rate of new infections. However, how is that at a rally for sexual abuse we are still tooting the "abstinence" party line? How can we ask our children to abstain from sex when 1 out of 3 of them are subject to non-consensual sex at least once in thier lifetime, often at their first sexual experience? The inherent irony of this never fails to grate on my nerves and churn my insides. People i've been talking on this issue advocate sex and rights education, as well as a community-wide examination of the socialization process of Ghanaian children. Dont get it twisted, we love our culture. But, we also realize that somethings have to change. Because today we live in a very different world from yesterday. The consolation (if you can call it that) is this: Socialization is dynamic and so potentially reversible. This is what gives us hope. As the Ga proverb goes "Fio fio adedon fee ni eke ye gbee tue" loosely translated; consistently nibbling, the fly ate the dog's ear.

Picture this.. My typical Morning in Accra

2006-02-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

This Morning at 5 a.m. i woke up before my alarm. I was excited. These days i am too excited to really sleep ;-) I had a run date. I have been running twice a week in the morning since i got here. Today my very good friend was running with me. I put on my gear, plugged in my ipod, turned it to my favorite new song, Africa Unite by none other than my lil' brother and got to running. In 20 minutes i was at the meeting point and from there we ran down the Ringway, the Accra equivalent of Yonge street. A runners Paradise. As you feet hit the pavement in rhythmic bliss you can feel the breeze coming off the ocean just behind you. If you ever needed incentive to run, this is it. You keep on without a care in the world, and if anyone dared to look close enough they would probably see you smiling. I definitely was.

You can say i live in the city. Osu is the heart of Accra, at least i like to think so. We call the major Osu strip Oxford street, a well deserved name i might add. All the major stores have offices on this strip and there is a whole whack of fast food joints, restaurants and shops on our oxford street. Back in the day, all the hot clubs were in this district too. Yea, Osu, my 'hood. ;-)

After running down the Ringway, we turn into Labone, what used to be one of the posh-est residential area; run past morning star an equally posh primary school into the very new estates. Labone, referred to as L.A. Bone by the very thug conscious Ghanaian youth is now home to the new and hottest educational facility in town, Asheshi University. Its a four year college with an organizational and academic structure just like the North American Colleges. It just graduated it's first set of students and everyone is convinced that it is the beginning of an Ivy League culture here in Accra.

We continue running. We go past G's house, CIDA's offices, Ashiatey's crib, L. A. Bone secondary School, Hinlone restaurant and finally turn into my friends neighborhood.

Accra sure is beautiful in the wee hours of the morning. The sounds of an Accra morning are extremely distinct even to my rusty ears. I can hear the Hausa coco sellers plying their wares, house helps sweeping the yards, see drivers washing their cars, runners like me panting but keeping on, folks bike riding furiously to where i can only imagine and and street hawkers getting ready for another day in the hustle. As we say over here, God bless our homeland Ghana, indeed.

After a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, i get a ride back home. AJ, my nephew, hears me ring the bell at the gate and meets me at the front door. He was drinking his Milo, chasing last night sleep away by vigorously rubbing his eyes with a half smile on his face... "hahaha AJ, i woke up before you" i laugh at him, he smiles that wicked grin that lets me know he is well aware that i went out without him, and walks into the kitchen. A few minutes later, i understand the smile; He has been in my room and hidden my keys and cell phone. I wouldn't have expected less from a 3 year old child who can read upside down, work just about any gadget he touches and insists on listening to his radio program in the morning.

I get him ready for school, lakaa ( Ga for butter him up) him a bit with a chocolate bar, which he promptly pockets "to share with his friends at school" , retrieve my keys and phone form their hiding place and leave the house to drop him off with my mother's driver ( she refuses to let me drive). After i drop AJ off, who barely looks at me as he waves good bye and clutches the hand off a younger crying friend to lead him to class, i make my way to my yoga class...

At Pippa's ( my gym) i lay down on my yoga mat, take a deep breathe and coax myself into a blissful state of relaxation which by the way isnt hard to do. I know my day is going to be packed with meetings and more meetings and i intend on being ready and alert for them.

I love this city called Accra!

2006-02-09T12:55:00.000-08:00

UPDATE FROM ACCRA.. Feb 5th 2005

.... if i dont write this now, i don't know when i will.. its early in the morning, sunday the 5th of feb and i am at home feeling slightly under the weather.. i got a cold ( funny ,huh?) however, i am slowed down just long enough to type this up so here goes.. It is amazing to be back home, yup you heard me.. i said HOME. because i realize now more than ever that whenever i am amongst people who i know have my best interests at heart, i am home... and this is definitely the case here in Accra... it also helps that i grew up here ( partly anyways), lol!

What can i say? I have fallen in love.. with a city ..again. Accra is beautiful! The people, my people are amazing! The food, well, kelewele ( street side spicy fried plantians) on a cool monday night is just to die for! The weather.. HOTTTTT! I mean fricking sticky ain't no way i can get away from this heat kinda hot! Naturally i complain with the rest but truth be told, i am loving it! The city of Accra has changed a lot since the last time i was here, i mean that was after all 8 years ago.. Someone once told me in a long conversation about many things, that good roads are a hallmark of development.. or something along those lines.. well then, Accra is well on its way into the transition period. The major roads in the city are amazingly good.. a drive at 3 am when the streets are empty will affirm that ...and everywhere you go, there is more construction. Those IMF HIPC loans are sure coming in handy.. pity we will be paying for them for generations to come. The present Kuffor government is well into its second term. People are disgruntled as people usually are.. but truth be told there is a whole lot of work that they should be given accolades for..
.
...... I know this WILL sound almost sacrilegious coming from me.. but the capitalist fever has sure put Ghana on the road to "development" . The shifting of the markets from public to private and to ppp 's ( public private partnerships ) has led to an explosion of available services with affordable prices.. Take telecommunications for example.. you can sign up to get a cell phone with either , gt- ghana telecom, areeba, one touch or buzz- mobitel. because the options are more, the rates are pretty darn good! i can call the states for less than 2 cents on my cell phone!!
The same with the internet.. you can get broadband or Dial up and each service is offered by a number of companies.. which means competitive rates all across the board.. Now i wont pretend to know exactly who is providing these services, i 'd love to believe that they are Ghanaian owned but it is highly likely that some of 'em are international companies.. The many trade agreements as HIPC members we are forced to be party to have led to a flood in foreign goods on the markets. However, the government has also embarked on an aggressive "buy made in Ghana goods" campaign... Causal friday here is traditional friday .. so people wear traditional attire to work on fridays. so in addition to efforts to participate in the global economy there is are also efforts to strengthen the Ghanaian economy..

.. i haven't been too far out of Accra yet. I intend on going up North where the gap in the rich and poor that exists in this world is stark.. one can only hope that as we make strides towards creating a healthier society ( where health is defined as a complete state of well-being) the gap will begin to narrow. i still haven't figured out how capitalism is 'pposed to achieve this.. you know a society where nobody lives below the poverty line.. but till something better comes up, i guess this will have to suffice. Make no mistake about it, i still believe that in the end,a capitalist society with all is trappings will be humanities downfall.. however, right now when people are dying because of a lack of the basic necessities, it is proving to be a useful system to relive some of the immeasurable pressures on the public sector in the provision of these basic needs. People here are pretty darn hardworking, and its nice to see that there is actually opportunity for advancement.. and being the people we are we never move up without pulling someone else up behind us.... okay nuff with the economics..

.. i know some of you are dying to hear how i am doing personally... no surprise here, i am doing A-OK. a lot better than i was when i was in toronto. my perspective from here ( a much higher perch in the pecking order) is, i like to believe, clearer. I came here to do my thesis, see my family, relax for a minute and return back to the grind of a north american society..
now i am feverently looking for how i can create my niche here so that i can return in the next 5 years and contribute to the growth and continued development of my world. yes, this is my world. ;-). its not difficult to see that Ghana is on the cusp of some very big things. and that unfortunately there are few "younger" people poised to contribute and i aint going to lie, benefit from the progress. Well, I intend to be one of them. So as i go about my daily business i am continually assessing the overall situations. I know that in this society i am amongst the privileged few. What would be sacrilegious is my throwing that away by living in a part of the world where it doesn't mean diddly squat, instead of using my position, where it matters, to better the lives of those who have less than i do. thats how i am feeling anyway.

... in terms of my thesis ( female childhood sexual abuse as a public health issue), well, things are moving right along and i am crazy busy on a daily basis. i decided to go ahead and apply for ethical review here.. and within 4 days and after a few minor revisions i had my approval. now i am recruiting my study participants and conducting mini- focus groups on the issue of childhood sexual abuse... the issue is BIG here. sadly- or not depends on your perspective- the timing of my work couldn't be better. there is a general stirring in the consciousness of the people on this topic so the reluctance to speak that i had anticipated is practically non-existence. i am convinced that some good will come out of this, my thesis wont be shelf-ed after its all done, but will actually contribute towards creating change, now ain't that something to be happy about?

concurrently, i am taking notes on the organizational structures that exist to educate on human rights issues, to develop and enhance capacity and contribute to efforts in creating sustainable development. this after all is the direction on which i want to steer Voices ( my not-for-profit) in.. so i am taking notes, copious notes ;-).. and slowly translating my observations into something tangible that could be a serious vehicle for disadvantaged, exploited and at risk youth. i figure i am definitely in the right place at the right time.. and so i am taking it and running with it as fast as i can..as cautiously as i can.. and as prayerfully as i can..

... personally, my lenses have changed... or maybe just cleared up.. either ways i suspect this will affect a lot of the personal relationships i HAD when i was in Toronto. I know it might sound harsh but it took my coming out here to realize that some people just need to be cut the heck off. i have always maintained that it went against my grain to do that, but there is always an exception to the grain. and when you know that there are people in your life that exist in your world solely for their own benefit and all that they do be it good or bad are motivated by self-interest, you need to cut them the **** off! that ain't no mutually benefitting relationship, its a parasitic encounter of the worst kind. Continue to pray them, by all means, but keep your distance and i intend on doing just that..

..Speaking of prayer, all of my experiences at the end of the day boil down to the impact they are having on my spirit. Not surprisingly, my spirit is well.. in a strange reversal of things, this scares me.. because i know that it is much harder to cry out to the Abba when life is smooth sailing. I know this. i feel this. but i continue to try to persevere and to praise always for my blessings which seem to be falling by bucketfuls these days. Someone once told me they didn't want to stay too close because if they did they would end up both with bad luck and broke ( i kid you not, someone actually said this!) well, ain't it funny, cos it seems like without 'em, my winds of misfortune are all blown out, lol.. and should they return and of this i have no doubt, my Abba, my inner strength and my highly developed resiliency will, as it always has, pull me through. I never quite got why, this innate trait to triumph wasn't celebrated... but hey folks just different...

so as i continue my personal, spiritual and professional journey out here ..at home ..i am very conscious of a lot of things both past and present and as each day passes continue to put things into perspective. In December, i begged a friend to wait for me to go through this experience. i knew it would be healing and life altering and i begged to not be "put out" until i had touched my rock.. i dont know if i hate em or love em for seemingly hard heartedly ignoring my pleas but i do know one thing, with the Father's help i will NEVER EVER find myself in that place again.

.. I AM HOME. ... AND I WONT TRADE PLACES WITH ANYBODY FOR A MILLION BUCKS ;-)
well except the whole having to baby sit my 3 year old nephew bit.. he is ADORABLE and cunning and noisy and annoying and sometimes he makes you want to go arggghhhhhhh.. lol!

..till next time!

Thunder Cat

2005-12-31T14:56:00.000-08:00

Thunder Cat

New Years Eve..
This Year I have seen much, done much and accomplished much..
God has been real to me, intermittently, but real all the same..
I started my masters, lived in thunder bay, went skiing, almost frooze to death ;-), went to the Bahamas, Beijing, Shanghai, New York and Hong Kong, fell more deeply in love and got my heart broken.. Got baptized and rediscovered my Abba... changed my career choice, and then changed it again... God has been there through it all, he is always there. The year is almost over and i couldnt tell you a thing about the next. I have no idea what my goals are except i'd like to graduate and finally live a life.. in the coming year i'd like to finally have a home, a place that i can call my own. I'd lke to get to know me better, get to know God better. If i am blessed with someone who loves me, i wil l welcome it but i wont actively seek it, its not me and i wont allow for a seemingly negative experience to change me. I want to be more present, to stop focussing so hard on what i am working towards and be present in my present. This year i grew up, in more ways than i ever imagined. I grew up. It hurt sometimes but i am determined to take only the good memories and treasure them. I wont leave my lessons behind, they were hard earned and I refuse to come back to learn them..
So its 6pm New Years Eve 2005 and i am filled with trepidation, anxiety, excitment and a deep sense of longing.. I dont know much about 2mrw, but i know that i want to live it, i want to wear it like a pair of fun sexy sophisticated red heels, i want it to feel good, i want it to be me..
This is my prayer.

lately..

2005-12-28T09:16:00.000-08:00

i have been waking up with a huge lump in my throat
its as if i must cry the previous day away before my spirit is strong enough to deal with today
sleep isnt quite enough, it isnt strong enough to remove te memory and pain of yesterdays
of days gone by, dreams shattered, hopes lost, securitys removed
no only tears will do
sometimes they stream down my face in my sleep
i wake up to a wet pillow and tear stained checks
cry myself to sleep, through sleep and out of sleep
it hurts
i feel empty
void of nothing else but thought of me and thoughts of him
beautiful thoughts, memories that used to make me smile
now they make me cry
thoughts that used to make my heart skip, now they make it break
the strugle continues they say
this too shall pass
but each day i wake up with a lump bigger than the last
i cry harder than i did before
i want desparately to cleave back to what i once was part of
but God wont let me
He who konws whats best for me has decreed an end to a season
has decreed a purpose served
so cry i must
cry i will
and when my eyes are washed clean
when my heart has mourned its yesterday today
the lump goes, and i pray
pray for strenght to make it through the day
moment by moment, step by step
for eyes to see my lessons
and a willing spirit to learn
when the tears stop streaming down my face
when i finally get on my knees to pray
when i feel that i have just enough strenght for the next moment
then, i get up, put on my fragile mask
and get ready to face the day

All alone and yet not alone

2005-12-06T12:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it takes being left alone for us to realize that we are never alone
this is my experience
this is my lesson
Thank you Creator
For always being present
Especcially when i am left alone ;-)

25!??!

2005-11-06T16:57:00.000-08:00

Shit!! I am 25!
Thank God, I am 25 ;-)
Darn it, I am 25 ;-)
Run Mickey run, you are 25!
Slow down mummys lil' girl-o you are only 25..
Oh no, i am 25..
Girl.. you dont look bad for 25..
Is that cellulite i see, must be becos i am 25..
Stop stuffing your face Mickey you know now you are 25
Ahmee act your age, you are 25
Life isnt all fun and games Ahmeda Mansaray, you should know better after all you are 25!
Get a job, buya house, get married, have a kid, gosh you are 25!
You got time on your side, you are 25..
I feel 12 and yet they say i am 25..
I wish i had my muumy here with me to see me turn 25..
Quarter of a century old! 25!!!
Ma Chereie coco, you are only 25!
Look you come thorugh some much, overcome so much, accomplished so much, lived so much, loved so much.. and there is yet so much.. breathe in, breathe out, thank you God, count your stars, live, love and surrender, its the begining and the end. my child i have always been here, brought you to 25.. Ameen

8 months later..

2005-10-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

And i have thought of you regularly. I have wanted to put my thoughts down, record them somewhere, use the only constructive release i know i have, but i was scared. Scared of the contents of my thoughts, the course being charted by my life's boat. Scared that by putting in "black and white", then the bad things will manifest.
Dont get me wrong, i had an exhilerating time in Thunder Bay. I learnt a lot about myself, my goals, my temperament, my vices.. I was introduced to a new Ahmeda and got to know on a more intimate level the old one. I made great friends, but i learnt that people cant help but disappoint. People are human. Fundamentally flawed. I have wrestled with learning how to forgive, myself and others. I have allowed myself to consider that i dont know how to really love someone and looked outside for exapmles that i could emulate. I practiced yoga regularly and took up pilates again. I rediscovered an old passion, the water and swam whenever i could. I painted dark pictures and cried myself to sleep. I was lonely but content. I left Canada, walked the great wall, the bund, browsed thorugh the antique markets of Shaghai, visited elaborate temples and breathed in peaceful gardens. I took the most memorable, most emotionally intense trip to the Bahamas with the man i am convinced i am destined to love in this lifetime. I swear, i never felt so connected to another human being like i did then. We traveled around the island on a scooter and reveled in the joys of a simple beautiful place and being blessed to experience it with each other. It was dope!!!! ( my new word). I picked up some old habits and promptly remembered why i dropped them which i did again. I got baptized, got my permanent residency, gave up sex, and toyed around re-discovering the artisitc pursuits of my "youth".
Now i am back in Toronto, renting a room from a friend and getting back to the basics.. i am loving it. See life has been really good to me this year, yea, i been hit so many times it feels like my current posture is me doubled over in pain and defense, but i'd be darned if i went through all of that for nothing. I have and still continue to sift through the rubble looking for my lessons. Right now, I am embracing the lesson in Be-ing still and saying little. Life goes on, the struggle continues..

Jack of all trades...

2005-02-27T08:23:00.000-08:00

Hey yall!
I know i ought to be ashamed of myself; truly, what is the use of having one of these if i am not regular and faithful in my postings? Seems to me its become one of those things that i do just Cos. My good friend Jed once referred to me as a Jack of all trades, Master of none. According to him, I pick up a variety of random activities- probably because of a genuine interest-but cant seem to keep at them long enuf to master them.. did i say friend ? lol.
Anywho, nuf said, at least i came back, right? and i got tonsss of excuses to boot too. tehehehe..
Well for one, i had the flu all o' last week, the week before i was getting back into the swing of things post my trip to toronto, and the week before that,well, i was in toronto, and the weeks before that well i was crazy busy working on assignmets, projects, literature review, needs assesment, sleeping eating, living.. lol!!
Anywho so feb came and went and i cant seem to figure out what i got from it. Now that is NOT good. I got a lot of school work to catch up on and so my pre meditated excuse if you dont hear from me come march, is that i was too busy catching up on what i shda done in feb. lets hope this isnt indicative of how this year is going to turn out!! oh boy!
alriddy yall, needless to say now i am all freaked out and panicked cos i got three big papers due this month, two seminar presentations in the next forthnight and applications for grants and funding that i gotta get out if i am to accomplish anything... you know what?? i am going to sign of and write myself a to-do list..it alwayz makes me feel better when i have it all on paper. then hopefully i can start ticking em off as this jack of all trades tries to master em, one by one..

10 days later...

2005-01-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

Its been a lil over a week since my last entry. Donald, I know you have been checking up on me here, sorry!!! Since my last entry -remember, where i said that the week promised to hold a lot of good things??- well, since then I have spent a lot of time running around, chasing the dream so to speak. My people, i must confess, sometimes this dream chasing thing sucks.
I wont bore you with the details of why i often felt that way last week (though i suspect thats what blogs are meant for) but suffice to say that the funk has been lifted. ;-) n the good things i spoke off, well i found! ;-)

Despite the running around and the sometimes dismal this whole thing is going to fall apart in my face feeling, I have still managed to pack in some pretty good adventures.. you all know i love me my adventures ;-). So here goes the highlights.. Last week sunday, i went downhill skiing and had a blast. Never mind that i fell more times than i could count and that i still havent figured out how to do those cool turns yet, it was still an amazing expereince. Was up on the hills all day and consequently spent the week groaning about my sore muscles.. lol!! Even the hour I spent in the sauna the day after didnt help much.. but it sure felt good..

Anywho, the week came and went and last night Erik (my fire fighter ski instructor roommate) took me cross country skiing. It musta been in the thirtys, negative thirtys i mean, but hey, that doesnt stop anybody in these parts and that includes urs truly. So of we went, when the sun went down to the skiing lodge on adventre numero two. I had heard about how this sport is sopposed to be the greatest workout ever and they aint lying those who say so, after two hours out there, I can most definately feel it in my legs today. However, the physical exertion was the least of my problems last night. You see, 45 minutes into the expedition, i couldnt feel my left foot. Well it started with my toes n by the time we reached the lookout point (which i was determined to see) I was just about frozen through. Poor Erik was so scared when i told him that my foot was gone, he took off his socks and gave em to me. Then he pulled me for the remaining 2k back to civilization where half an hour and a foot bath later my foot slowly and painfully came back to life.

So.. now that i have crossed two winter sports off my list i think i will go snow boarding next weekend. fun, fun,fun!!!!

Well there you have it, the highlights of the last ten days.. As alwayz God has seen me through and true to himself he even managed on several ocassions to make me smile. ;-) What can i say, i love my father n my father loves me;-)

One last thing, this T-bay adventure thing is proving to be quite interesting. I am learning new things about myself out here already and also about my people out in the big bad world. Thanks a lot guys for coming through last week. Mummy, Tilie n Jeddie, love u all much.

Anywayz yall, morale of this entry, life is one great big adventure, enjoy it!!!

I should really get to studying now. I will try to be regular with updating this but i aint making no promises.

The struggle continues!!!

-34.. continued..

2005-01-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

Note to self- dont be quick to use the "enter" key..

Got here a few hours ago.. cant believe that i am actually here..It is freeeezzzinnngg..WHAT EXACTLY WAS I THINKING!??! oh, good Lord help me!!! lol!! Oh well, Crystal, one of my new roommates, who was outside with no gloves on says i will get used to it. indeed.

Anywho, Since i like to keep busy i am all set up in my new room, have been grocery shopping n now i am off to the gym. See, its like home already..(not). I am excited to be here, I truly am. I've been praying for this for a long time n so i know that God brought me here not just as answer to prayer but as part of his plan..I just wish i coulda brought some of home with me.. sall good.

Tomorrow the madness begins. It is going to be really hectic but it also promises to hold a lot of good things. I will keeep praying.. The struggle continues..

-34.. Its COOOLLLDDDD!!!

2005-01-05T16:09:00.000-08:00

The day b4 the day b4..

2005-01-03T08:21:00.000-08:00

January 3rd 2005 11:24 am, the day b4 the day b4 my exodus to thunder bay!! I am scared, excited, worried, stressed.... just a big ole ball of some very familiar emotions;- ).. Still half organized with a "to do" list that doesnt seem to end!!! Still havent finished moving my stuff, and still dont know if anything is going to really pan out or not. BUT.. i have faith.. Aluta Contynua...